Farewell Four Loko

So, last week the state of Washington mourned the loss of alcoholic energy drinks.  More specifically, Four Loko.  To celebrate my long-standing friendship with the 'quarto crazy", I decided to do drink one of each flavor.  I never got to say goodbye to the beloved lemonade flavor and I will never forgive myself for this.  But here are my reviews of the other flavors.

Rating system:  I rate on a scale of 0 to 5 PUKES.  0 PUKES means that it is outstanding (as in "I didn't puke at all),  and 5 PUKES means that the drink in question is an absolute massacre (as in "I couldn't stop puking).  

Watermelon (green can)
The Watermelon was arguably my favorite flavor.  It poured a lovely bright pink and tasted like watermelon Jolly Ranchers.  With a hint of nail polish remover. And a bit of salty gym sock on the tail end.  It was so artificial tasting that this became a selling point in of itself.  It had a slight tartness to it that I quite liked.  If ever I get nostalgic for Loko, I'll be pining for Watermelon

2 out of 5 PUKES!! 

Blue Raspberry (blue can) 
I couldn't drink this right away, because of really intense fumes coming out of the can.  I coughed just from the smell.  The flavor is... well... blue flavor.  It was really sweet, had slight solvent undertones, but generally tasted like blue Slurpee with 151 in it.  Drinking this really makes you feel like you are a 14 year old drinking in the bushes at the county fair.  Not bad for what it is.  One I was able to stomach the first sip, I was able to finish the rest of it pretty easily.
 2 1/2 out of 5 PUKES!!

Orange (orange can)
This was not good at all.  It took me two hours to finish a can of this.  Granted I wasn't trying too hard, but the thing tasted like a cocktail that they would make on a military base or something. Sunny D and alcohol-based hand sanitizer.  It was sort of like a mimosa from that company Club that makes those prepackaged cocktails that come in little bottles in California.  Except, I had 24 liquid fucking ounces of the stuff. Good riddance.
3 out of 5 PUKES!!

Raspberry Lemonade (yellow and red can)
This flavor was great! It was very tastey.  I thought that this was the most drinkable flavor.  You couldn't even taste the alcohol, really.  If I'm ever in a state that hasn't banned the stuff yet, I'm buying a fucking flat of the raspberry lemonade.  If they made a non-alcoholic version, I would buy it.
...so that I could put vodka in it. Ok... maybe I'm grossly exaggerating.  I mean, it's still Four Loko.  Who are we kidding?
2 out of 5 PUKES!!

Fruit Punch (red can)
This flavor was very drinkable.  It tasted like the fruit punch that they would serve to you in summer camp when they wanted you to forget that Jimmy PeePants just nearly drowned in the lake.  I've had it at room temperature at it was unstomachable.  But at proper Four Loko temperature, i.e. as cold as humanly possible, it tasted pretty good. Except for the salty aftertaste.
2 out of 5 PUKES!!

Grape (purple can)
This stuff wasn't purple when you poured it. It was India Ink Black.  It has those familiar Four Loko solvent fumes.  I thought this flavor was gross.  It wasn't sweet enough (if that is even possible with this stuff), and tasted like satly garbage wine.  It was almost like they poured a hint of Campbell's chicken soup into the can. Terrible.  Just terrible.
4 out of 5 PUKES

Lemon Lime (yellow and green can)
This wasn't a beverage.  It was a fucking paint remover.  This flavor is nuclear green and looks like a mad scientist's potion from a shitty straight to video horror film. I had this the night before Four Loko was banned and I could not take a sip with out shuttering and crying out in pain.  Absolutely HORRID.  I swear that I could feel the enamel on my teeth being burned away. AHHH!!! Just thinking about it makes me angry!! You motherfuckers made people pay for this shit?!  It strikes rage into my heart, you bastards!!!
...ahem... yeah, I wasn't a fan
5 out of 5 PUKES!!  An absolute Malted Massacre.

Next time: I'm going to be reviewing Earthquake high gravity lager, a 12% malt liquor from the makers of Four Loko.  Hold on to your gag reflex, folks.